some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
