i wish there were pregnant emoticons
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
