i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Randomize
