The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Did I show you my penis last night?
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
