so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
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