While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Randomize
