I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
