drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
