i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize
