Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
This chick, for whatever reason, has serious "Leave your wife and kids and also break up her young marriage in order to frolick for a good 2 weeks before I realize that she's just like the rest of them and I made a huge mistake and ruined a lot of lives in the process" potential. It's SO INTRIGUING.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Let's paint friendship bongs
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Randomize