Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Randomize
