I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Randomize
