Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
We need a shit load of segways right now
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
I forget how to act sober
Randomize