So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
