Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
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