Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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