OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
