apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
someone owes me an orgasm
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
