Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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