I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Randomize
