Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
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