dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
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