worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
He better not be in your backpack
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Randomize
