sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
I think I died a long time ago.
it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
