Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
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