who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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