They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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