Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Randomize
