I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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