Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
Of course I have a pirate flag
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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