The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
True college students do jello shots in the library
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
