Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
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This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
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I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
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