Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
