Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
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