i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
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