True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
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