he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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