I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
