Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Randomize
