On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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