weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
I swear she didn't look like that last week.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
Randomize
