I skipped work to stalk him.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
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