yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
