WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
