Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Randomize
