alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
Randomize
