i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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