DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
