its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
