Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
mondays should just be called national damage control day
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Randomize
