you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
