I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
