i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
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