dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
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