I just threw up on my dentist
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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